darkflavor

Rebellion without truth is like spring in a bleak, arid desert.
Kahlil Gibran

i am a rebel. one without a cause, however.

on earth day i bury grubs in the damp soil in light of their transformation into beautiful hard-bodied ravaging consumers of the planet. the earth is changing. the earth was never in stasis. instead of living in fear attempting to halt the inevitable, i embrace and welcome the new, warmer era.

last month i was speaking to my long term partner about how i define myself based on who she is. i, alone, am empty. but with her i am given a cause - a purpose. i am not happy just because she is near me, but happy rather because of she defines my existence. through the years, i feel i have tried to change myself into something that makes her happy. and that makes me happy. because apparently, my main goal is to keep her near me. so i sacrificed myself. maybe i should say i sacrificed the possibility of having my self-defining existance because i do not think i ever had one. i have always been someone else or something else to other people. who am i? i do not know the answer. though i am a rebel in regards to conventions, i just try to blend in or go with the flow when i comes to people.

my partner believes this is wrong. she wants me to define mySelf based on who i want mySelf to be, rather than on what makes her happy. but i say her happiness is the most important thing in my existence. though that sounds irrational, nothing else FEELS more important. sounds pretty silly, doesnt it?

so, who am i? what makes me me? what am i?

i don’t know.

notice that everyone needs a reason to live? if my partner does not want me to live for her, then what the heck am i supposed to live for???

if i am a rebel, then i define my existence as an opposite to something. i have always opposed conventions. i don’t know what this means in regards to a larger picture, but at least i got something down about myself! So, rebels fight. i feel there are two kinds or rebels. one of which i feel fights against the current of this material world. an enlightened rebel, for example, rises above the current and realize it is but a sea of water which everyone is submerged in. then the rebel transforms into a messenger of truth and a leader to free those stuck in the current of the sea. if we choose to rebel or fight then do not rebel against our partners, parents or police, but instead something much greater than that which lies in this physical realm. perhaps choose an ideal or a principle.

see what others do not see, then lead them to the door.

an animal fights for space. a human can fight for an idea.

last night i challenged myself to draw my face in one hour. this is my first drawing in ten years or so! i am looking forward to do more.