darkflavor

throughout the years many people have made lasting impressions on me. some people i remember possessing maturity and leadership skills that end up standing as a pillar of strength for me to lean on during hard times. some i remember as being free and that i envied. another i remember because of his grace.

then there are those people who changed me. engaging with them did far more to me that simply leaving an impression in my minds eye. in meeting them something intangible, something i cannot describe was exchanged between us. something i cannot touch directly changed me in the most real of ways. an essence of their existence somehow grafted into my soul making a part of them me. this resulted in a new man, a changed man with new ideas and thus a new way of interacting with this world called reality.

i will share a story about one of these people…
(for previous entries regarding a similar topics please read this entry149) and this entry136.

this may be the first time i will be writing about Iris whom i experienced my first serious relationship with. it transpired through my age of fifteen to nineteen, if my memory serves me well. i am three months her senior. although we lived ten blocks away from each other we met many miles south at a suburban mall through a mutual friend, whom i recall told Iris that i dressed poorly. however, when Iris first laid her hazel eyes on me — and must i say much to the luck of a scrubby shy teen such as myself — she boldly stated something like “he’s dressed perfectly!” i was wearing cutoff aqua blue scrubs given to me from my older sister lara who was a military nurse, a tie-dyed grateful dead shirt i believe acquired at the hamburg fair, and a red baja sweater from mexico bought while with lara. my hair was long, brown and messy. i think i was fifteen. but as the relationship progressed and i grew older my external form of expression changed dramatically from those early days of puberty, lennon and hockey.

near the end of our relationship many years later in cazenovia park, Iris and i were sitting outside her car named “fiona” (she gave it a name). she owned a car because she made a break into the big, bad world moving out on her own while i still lived with mommy. it was a warm, nice day. while we chatted on the grass Iris overheard the song “ripple” by the grateful dead emanating from fiona. Iris enthusiastically informed me “ripple” is her favorite song. then while watching her dance in the grass with her long, flowing skirt whirling around her legs up to her perfect birthing hips, i listened to the music of that folk diddy as if it were a soundtrack to a movie that i did not belong in. i was miscast. apparently, my long jet black hair, eyeliner and dark costume garbs stolen from a local urban apocalyptic movie set was part of some great cosmic joke casting a frail, lost boy with a beautiful, young, free spirited blond who is right now dancing in front of me to a grateful dead song. not only was i shocked at the time by this blatant paradox occurring right before my eyes but to this day i still shake my head in disbelief that we weren’t zapped out of existence from violating the natural order of the universe. while she continued to twirl about barefoot on the grass the song continued to play. being unable to make out the lyrics i was unable to form an opinion of that song. musically it did not interest me.

interestingly, about two weeks ago that song played on radioparadise — the only internet radio station i listen to. unlike the last time i heard this song some twelve years ago this time i have the interwebz at my fingerz and i am able to read the lyrics to “ripple.” here is an excerpt:

Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.

Reach out your hand if your cup be empty,
If your cup is full may it be again,
Let it be known there is a fountain,
That was not made by the hands of men.

There is a road, no simple highway,
Between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone.

Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.

[the first stanza means act, not react. have inspiration and purpose spring from within instead of being a mechanism of causality. the second stanza refers to the existence of a spiritual, metaphysical or some other incorporeal energy that is plentiful and freely available. the third stanza tells us we all have our own, individual path of life that is unique to each one of us, meant only for us to follow and the path is not shared by anyone else. also, we are to travel while the sun is shining. this suggests a blessing or good omen. the sun symbolizes peace of mind, enlightenment, tranquility, fortune, goodwill, and insight. ]

now i like the song very much! it is a simple yet elegant folk song with profound lyrics set to equally simple, yet learned musicianship. this combination makes that song one of the best i have had the pleasure of hearing. reading the lyrics made it clear why it is Iriss favorite (in the past). during the time we were together she was wise beyond her years. although she struggled with life as all of us do, her mature wisdom and grasp of philosophy set her apart and gave her vision through the most difficult of times.
this began an imbalance between us. however, i believe the relationship ended before my actions of idolizing her became apparent and damaging to our previous equal-tiered standing.

her words of wisdom were always simple, obvious and childlike, never complicated or wordy. her plain truths were tangible pokes in the head.
ideas she taught me i carry to this day.
she was my guide, teacher, and mother.
and i miss her very much.
and i wish i could thank her for all this, but i dont think that will ever happen, unfortunately.

afterthought: that last bit was surprisingly very emotional to write. i really had no idea it would be. if i still feel this strongly for her after eleven, twelve years or so then i will feel this strongly for the rest of my life. what am i to do about this? what should i do?

after pondering those questions for several days i believe there is nothing i can do but accept it and grow from it. i am beginning to realize we were not together for sexual relations like many couples. we were not together to shield each other from loneliness. i may never know what i did for her, but i do know what she did for me. she planted a seed in me. and it’s sprouting. i will call this seed wisdom, truth and beauty. when i open my eyes the light arrives and the seed grows high toward the sky. unlike my body, this knowledge never dies.

listen… i give you my love and i give you my gratitude because my voice carries you as well as my own. when i speak i hear you in it. in it’s echo i see you…