darkflavor

(written a month ago… i delayed posting this because i do not want to face this)
it is time for me to face the status of my existence: i am unhappy. i am not the person i want to be. in order to become the person i wish to be i first must be clear about what that person i want to become is. admittedly, as the ideal individual standing at the final curtain of this transformation is currently unknown in his entirety, i am sure of certain characteristics this person will have. like creating a work of art, i will start with a single brush of paint. i will start with a rough outline.

what is my ideal person?
1 this person will consume good karma
2 this person will output good karma
3 this person will have a glowing radiance.
4 beauty will be their environment.
5 this person will act, not react.

some qualities overlap. for example, existing in a beautiful environment also means consuming good karma through the eyes, ears, etc. we consume our environment through our senses. the next step is to create an objective example for each of those characteristics.

how is this person ideal?
1 vegan,
2 speak and act with love
3 confidence, physically fit
4 cleanliness
5 no addictions

next is to compare those examples with my current reality.

how do i compare, generally speaking to the ideal?
1 i eat meat, sometimes twice on a daily basis.
2 i use profanity, think selfishly and look for flaws/weaknesses in other people.
3 i am not confident about my life or who i am. i do not consider myself fit.
4 i hold on to objects.
5 i have chemical additions and have emotional ones as well.

reading those five facts about my present existence is very painful. it clearly reveals me to be weak and arguably not even human, just a physical animal. i know i can do better than this. otherwise, it would not have generated an emotional pain response reading these facts.

to take the plunge switching from a chemically and emotionally addicted lifestyle to one addiction free in a single day will in all truth likely fail. going cold turkey rarely works for anyone. while abruptly stopping a negative behavior has worked for some people the majority of addicts will benefit from a gradual weening program. simply going a single full day without fulfilling an addiction can even be too much of a change for some to bare. therefore, i will list small changes in my lifestyle that will reflect when grouped together qualities i outlined that the person i wish to become has. the goal is to create a directional shift towards becoming a more consciously aware individual (aka human).

how can i start working towards the ideal me?
1 start a lightweight vegetarian diet.
2 cease using profanity and thinking negatively (lol, ever try that?).
3 exercise 20mins a day.
4 clean my environment for 20mins a day.
5 stop consuming alcohol, cigarette type products, processed sugars and bad meats (dirty, chemical, unnatural substances…)

where do i stand with these new goals right now?
1 i did not eat meat today and i am beginning to crave a nice dose of protein. looks like an omelet is coming in my near future!
2 i swear several times a day and call myself stupid and dumb and things like that often.
3 i lift weights several times a day until my arms become weak. each session lasts about five minutes. about biweekly i climb a steep, thousand foot mountain.
4 i clean a little bit weekly.
5 i stopped drinking alcohol about two week ago. i have not had a smoke in months. for years i have been relocating if second-hand smoke is present. i stopped consuming processed sugars year ago.

the prospect of changing today and staying this way for the rest of my life is scary. so i try to think about these changes on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. although i have been drinking one or two alcoholic beverages every single day for about ten years i have went one month without drinking a few years ago. the existence of this fact is encouraging for me. so i know i can go one month alcohol free. i have done it before. that same encouragement occurs with climbing mountains as well. once i climbed the first one the rest did not seem so daunting

what changes will i make starting today?
1 i will cease intentionally consuming the flesh for a while.
2 i will cease using profanity. i will begin to say out loud “thank you” when something positive happens.
3 i will pay more attention to time when lifting weights to verify i get in twenty minutes.
4 i will clean for twenty minutes everyday.
5 it seems breaking physical addictions is easy probably because i can touch and handle the substances. emotional addictions will likely prove to be a more difficult. the fleeting nature of emotions makes it hard to even verify an emotional addiction in the first place. i will have to read up on emotional addictions to get a more firm grasp in understanding them.

i am looking forward to practicing these small steps on a daily basis so that i can become the person i dreamed of yesterday.

give up your addictions
set yourself free
live with conviction
and see the forest for the trees

–next entry: how my perspective of reality has changed and what i learned following these small self-improvement steps.