darkflavor

Each person and event of my past becomes part of my tree of life (borrowing a concept from Judaism), meaning part of me. I look back, or down at my roots, at the parts of which I grow from, the past of which I came from, the parts of which make me whole. I see this past clearly, though subjectively. I honor it, for it is what makes me, defines me.

“Remember where you came from. Remember what you are.
Remember where you came from. Remember what you are” –nin

It is clear to me now how important choosing the right people to associate oneself with is. The events experienced with them will … be with one forever.

Last week I learned that someone important from my past married on October 2. (I believe) she married the person she left me for nine years ago. (i was not prepared for the relationship to end at that point. though i am not resentful, i still may carry feelings due to my lack of closure.) The last time I spoke to her was perhaps six or seven years ago. It was on friendly terms.
I convinced my self that I should call and congratulate her. And so I did today. I should have been prepared for friction and shock. At first I was interrogated as to why I am calling, as if she anticipated the call (i did call several days ago, friday, and left a message at her work and with her mother). That shook me up. I responded that I respect my history and that I am happy for her. Afterwards, she became complacent, yet not providing fuel for a conversation, so I said bye. And that’s that. Same planet, different worlds I suppose. The conversation lasted a whole three minutes or so.
This event has really made me wonder today what it was all about. Why did I do it? Why was I driven, compelled to make that call? Is it because my future is uncertain but my past is clear? So I am looking into my past to feel justification for my existence? Do I really “honor my tree of life” or am I just scared to face tomorrow?