darkflavor

the rest of the photo journey pictures for the trip up to san francisco are online

note: feeling nothing does not equate to feeling apathy.
i created an environment to live in that would encourage stability. though it has worked, i sacrificed a great deal more than i had imagined back when i conceived of this plan. i feel like i am in a aquarium looking out at the world moving before my eyes. family members growing older. friends forming families. i sit here and work day after day peering out through the glass. i speak, but no one hears. i wave, but no one sees. in doing the same thing day after day — how is that any different than the office corporate employment i left years ago? well, this is a world i created. thats about it i guess.
previous to this reign of stability, my life consisted of dramatic ups and downs, of mania and depression. experiencing the (often sexual) wonders and passion of life to the opposite extreme of wanting nothing more than to crawl into the damp soil and die.

now i am stable.
now i feel nothing. (but in this nothing i am at peace)

that is what i wanted five or six years ago.

communities, including families grow under stability. to keep tara i had to be stable. but i am starting to wonder if i did not simply choose to be stable, but rather cut my own foot off to keep from walking.

when i say i feel nothing — that is not a negative feeling. i have often wrote about the desert and that i like being out there because of the vast landscape of nothing (aside: where i live there really isn’t much. this desert is hardcore. other deserts like in arizona have much more green). when i am out in the desert and i feel nothing, that is when i am balanced. when i am balanced i am … complete. solid, a whole perhaps. it’s hard to explain. when i feel nothing i am empty and that is when i am the most whole. the most real.

but i have been cheating. all this time i have drank alcohol or sugary beverages late at night to get my mind off work by encouraging a pleasurable feeling inside with the use of these two substances. everyday i artificially created pleasure. it releves stress, but creates instability. abit nothing serious in real life; a single drink or two never did any harm, but thats not the point. the point is i never existed in a long term stable mindset like it appears on the surface. inside tiny waves of passion and sadness still crash against my skull.

balance.