Fall seven times, stand up eight.
Japanese Proverb

gotta stop the melodrama. let me think positive and take a step forward.

last night a single glass of wine loosened the cracks of my minds inevitable fall. though my tongue translates it’s earthly pleasures into bliss, consuming it does not help me at all. and so i must crawl while sober picking up the broken pieces of a frail mind weakened by wines sirens call.

it has been over two months, maybe three since i outlined my new human program (detailed in blog entry150 here. the goals was to stop drinking, stop eating meat, stop using profanity, exercise and clean daily. while this program proved itself to be too challenging for me to follow one hundred percent, it has proved to be a (mild) lifestyle altering experience anyhow. with this challenge i made a few steps toward growing and transforming into the person i am destined to be.

status:
still use profanity. (no change)
eat meat at least once per week. (high change)
drink alcohol less than once per week. (high change)
exercise every other day. (mild change)
clean every few days. (no change)

overall, two things i have learned:
cutting out drinking was way easier than i thought. it’s pretty cut and dry (pun intended). i drank an alcoholic beverage every night for ten years or so and now i do not. however, in the past two or three months i have consumed two bottles of wine. it once was a bottle every few nights. why did i drink wine recently? i am not sure… but i think drank to trick myself into feeling happy when in truth i was not. if that is true then that is an indication that i am not fulfilling my life purpose otherwise known as destiny.
(note: i drank between one and three drinks per night)

now on the other end of things cutting out meat is seemingly impossible! it’s like asking me to not breath! the urge to eat meat once per week is overwhelming. and so i eat meat. however, since this new program my meat intake has dropped dramatically. i ate meat once or twice a day for thirty years or so it seems. now, meat intake averages less than once per two days or longer. i can go five days without feeling the urge to consume flesh. when i do consume meat it is often organic farm raised livestock or wild fish. in replace of meat i have a diet of tofu and protein bars and drinks.

these two lifestyle changes are ones in which i never knew were possible for myself. if i did not adopt this lifestyle changing program that forced myself to change these changes would have remained outside my reality.

however, cleaning and exercise still needs to be worked on. i am skipping days with that. this is because simply giving myself instructions to execute does not work when those instructions oppose my current mindset. in order to behave differently, i must adopt a different mindset, vision and belief system. in order for this to change i must open my mind to new ideas. in order to open my mind to new ideas i must let go of the old, ineffective mindset.

waking up today i realized changing mindsets is how an actor becomes someone else. it is how a writer immerses themselves into a character to see through their fictional eyes. since i was a young teen i have always wanted to act. and now here is my chance to change my character, to change my lifestyle, to change my future, to step out of the known into the unknown, embracing a dream, a vision, an ideal, a new way of living, to experience a new life. my goal is to become a holistic man who’s vision, feelings and motivations extends beyond this four-dimensional reality into the timeless, formless, limitless splendor of the All That Is.

stepping forward requires stepping away.
goodbye material realism.
goodbye darkflavor.

that fog in my vision obscuring my view. clouds only obscure the sun. the sun is still there.
so what is this fog? one cannot cast out demons until there names are known.
uggg…and so i keep writing these words that cut me open. i will bleed until i am pure.

there is nobody here. when i speak i hear only memories.

i haven’t thought of a new idea in ten years.

i do not understand why i am here.

if i could receive some vision, some message, some instruction on what to do a great burden would be lifted. but alas, with wine in my mind supernatural voices cant reach me at this time. too much white noise. please resend your message at a later date.

it’s a quite place where i stand. quiet like death. hey, i may already be dead. quick, let me check my pulse. yup, i have one. there is a red heart beating inside me. all in vain, i presume. but if vanity can keep this heart beating then thats the only rope i cling to. can someone throw me another rope? i’ll try not to hang myself with it as i climb out.

i see people dancing on the streets and i see people praying in their church. and i look through my foggy window one hand covering my heart which hurts. i see you. i hear you. i reach for you with my open hand. as you pass near i clutch only air.

ghost.
boo.
did u hear that?
of course not.

i am drinking wine to pass the time. however, i feel far from sublime.

(edit: i had a glass of wine.)

then there are those people who changed me. engaging with them did far more to me that simply leaving an impression in my minds eye. in meeting them something intangible, something i cannot describe was exchanged between us. something i cannot touch directly changed me in the most real of ways. an essence of their existence somehow grafted into my soul making a part of them me. this resulted in a new man, a changed man with new ideas and thus a new way of interacting with this world called reality.

i will share a story about one of these people…
(for previous entries regarding a similar topics please read this entry149) and this entry136.

this may be the first time i will be writing about Iris whom i experienced my first serious relationship with. it transpired through my age of fifteen to nineteen, if my memory serves me well. i am three months her senior. although we lived ten blocks away from each other we met many miles south at a suburban mall through a mutual friend, whom i recall told Iris that i dressed poorly. however, when Iris first laid her hazel eyes on me — and must i say much to the luck of a scrubby shy teen such as myself — she boldly stated something like “he’s dressed perfectly!” i was wearing cutoff aqua blue scrubs given to me from my older sister lara who was a military nurse, a tie-dyed grateful dead shirt i believe acquired at the hamburg fair, and a red baja sweater from mexico bought while with lara. my hair was long, brown and messy. i think i was fifteen. but as the relationship progressed and i grew older my external form of expression changed dramatically from those early days of puberty, lennon and hockey.

near the end of our relationship many years later in cazenovia park, Iris and i were sitting outside her car named “fiona” (she gave it a name). she owned a car because she made a break into the big, bad world moving out on her own while i still lived with mommy. it was a warm, nice day. while we chatted on the grass Iris overheard the song “ripple” by the grateful dead emanating from fiona. Iris enthusiastically informed me “ripple” is her favorite song. then while watching her dance in the grass with her long, flowing skirt whirling around her legs up to her perfect birthing hips, i listened to the music of that folk diddy as if it were a soundtrack to a movie that i did not belong in. i was miscast. apparently, my long jet black hair, eyeliner and dark costume garbs stolen from a local urban apocalyptic movie set was part of some great cosmic joke casting a frail, lost boy with a beautiful, young, free spirited blond who is right now dancing in front of me to a grateful dead song. not only was i shocked at the time by this blatant paradox occurring right before my eyes but to this day i still shake my head in disbelief that we weren’t zapped out of existence from violating the natural order of the universe. while she continued to twirl about barefoot on the grass the song continued to play. being unable to make out the lyrics i was unable to form an opinion of that song. musically it did not interest me.

interestingly, about two weeks ago that song played on radioparadise — the only internet radio station i listen to. unlike the last time i heard this song some twelve years ago this time i have the interwebz at my fingerz and i am able to read the lyrics to “ripple.” here is an excerpt:

Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.

Reach out your hand if your cup be empty,
If your cup is full may it be again,
Let it be known there is a fountain,
That was not made by the hands of men.

There is a road, no simple highway,
Between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone.

Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.

[the first stanza means act, not react. have inspiration and purpose spring from within instead of being a mechanism of causality. the second stanza refers to the existence of a spiritual, metaphysical or some other incorporeal energy that is plentiful and freely available. the third stanza tells us we all have our own, individual path of life that is unique to each one of us, meant only for us to follow and the path is not shared by anyone else. also, we are to travel while the sun is shining. this suggests a blessing or good omen. the sun symbolizes peace of mind, enlightenment, tranquility, fortune, goodwill, and insight. ]

now i like the song very much! it is a simple yet elegant folk song with profound lyrics set to equally simple, yet learned musicianship. this combination makes that song one of the best i have had the pleasure of hearing. reading the lyrics made it clear why it is Iriss favorite (in the past). during the time we were together she was wise beyond her years. although she struggled with life as all of us do, her mature wisdom and grasp of philosophy set her apart and gave her vision through the most difficult of times.
this began an imbalance between us. however, i believe the relationship ended before my actions of idolizing her became apparent and damaging to our previous equal-tiered standing.

her words of wisdom were always simple, obvious and childlike, never complicated or wordy. her plain truths were tangible pokes in the head.
ideas she taught me i carry to this day.
she was my guide, teacher, and mother.
and i miss her very much.
and i wish i could thank her for all this, but i dont think that will ever happen, unfortunately.

afterthought: that last bit was surprisingly very emotional to write. i really had no idea it would be. if i still feel this strongly for her after eleven, twelve years or so then i will feel this strongly for the rest of my life. what am i to do about this? what should i do?

after pondering those questions for several days i believe there is nothing i can do but accept it and grow from it. i am beginning to realize we were not together for sexual relations like many couples. we were not together to shield each other from loneliness. i may never know what i did for her, but i do know what she did for me. she planted a seed in me. and it’s sprouting. i will call this seed wisdom, truth and beauty. when i open my eyes the light arrives and the seed grows high toward the sky. unlike my body, this knowledge never dies.

listen… i give you my love and i give you my gratitude because my voice carries you as well as my own. when i speak i hear you in it. in it’s echo i see you…

what is my ideal person?
1 this person will consume good karma
2 this person will output good karma
3 this person will have a glowing radiance.
4 beauty will be their environment.
5 this person will act, not react.

some qualities overlap. for example, existing in a beautiful environment also means consuming good karma through the eyes, ears, etc. we consume our environment through our senses. the next step is to create an objective example for each of those characteristics.

how is this person ideal?
1 vegan,
2 speak and act with love
3 confidence, physically fit
4 cleanliness
5 no addictions

next is to compare those examples with my current reality.

how do i compare, generally speaking to the ideal?
1 i eat meat, sometimes twice on a daily basis.
2 i use profanity, think selfishly and look for flaws/weaknesses in other people.
3 i am not confident about my life or who i am. i do not consider myself fit.
4 i hold on to objects.
5 i have chemical additions and have emotional ones as well.

reading those five facts about my present existence is very painful. it clearly reveals me to be weak and arguably not even human, just a physical animal. i know i can do better than this. otherwise, it would not have generated an emotional pain response reading these facts.

to take the plunge switching from a chemically and emotionally addicted lifestyle to one addiction free in a single day will in all truth likely fail. going cold turkey rarely works for anyone. while abruptly stopping a negative behavior has worked for some people the majority of addicts will benefit from a gradual weening program. simply going a single full day without fulfilling an addiction can even be too much of a change for some to bare. therefore, i will list small changes in my lifestyle that will reflect when grouped together qualities i outlined that the person i wish to become has. the goal is to create a directional shift towards becoming a more consciously aware individual (aka human).

how can i start working towards the ideal me?
1 start a lightweight vegetarian diet.
2 cease using profanity and thinking negatively (lol, ever try that?).
3 exercise 20mins a day.
4 clean my environment for 20mins a day.
5 stop consuming alcohol, cigarette type products, processed sugars and bad meats (dirty, chemical, unnatural substances…)

where do i stand with these new goals right now?
1 i did not eat meat today and i am beginning to crave a nice dose of protein. looks like an omelet is coming in my near future!
2 i swear several times a day and call myself stupid and dumb and things like that often.
3 i lift weights several times a day until my arms become weak. each session lasts about five minutes. about biweekly i climb a steep, thousand foot mountain.
4 i clean a little bit weekly.
5 i stopped drinking alcohol about two week ago. i have not had a smoke in months. for years i have been relocating if second-hand smoke is present. i stopped consuming processed sugars year ago.

the prospect of changing today and staying this way for the rest of my life is scary. so i try to think about these changes on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. although i have been drinking one or two alcoholic beverages every single day for about ten years i have went one month without drinking a few years ago. the existence of this fact is encouraging for me. so i know i can go one month alcohol free. i have done it before. that same encouragement occurs with climbing mountains as well. once i climbed the first one the rest did not seem so daunting

what changes will i make starting today?
1 i will cease intentionally consuming the flesh for a while.
2 i will cease using profanity. i will begin to say out loud “thank you” when something positive happens.
3 i will pay more attention to time when lifting weights to verify i get in twenty minutes.
4 i will clean for twenty minutes everyday.
5 it seems breaking physical addictions is easy probably because i can touch and handle the substances. emotional addictions will likely prove to be a more difficult. the fleeting nature of emotions makes it hard to even verify an emotional addiction in the first place. i will have to read up on emotional addictions to get a more firm grasp in understanding them.

i am looking forward to practicing these small steps on a daily basis so that i can become the person i dreamed of yesterday.

give up your addictions
set yourself free
live with conviction
and see the forest for the trees

–next entry: how my perspective of reality has changed and what i learned following these small self-improvement steps.

she responded appropriately thanking me for opening new doors in her life as well.

for years she was a villain who i believed opened false doors.

i do not have the other message sent to my friend because it is voice mail, but i think you get the gist of it from reading above what it consisted of.

the lesson to learn is realizing how powerful the people we bring into our lives are in impacting our beliefs. one person opened doors, another convinced me this same doorway to inspiration was false. once i stopped believing in magic, the magic disappeared. but today i believe once more and now my heart fills with gratitude and joy for our existence.

how can you know with certainty what you believe is truly what you believe? how many of your beliefs originated from your friends, family, culture and environment instead of from within your own heart?

what do you feel the point of this tale is?

just as it has been ten years without me drawing anything, it has been ten years since i wrote anything creative such as poetry. well, i did the face drawing two months ago. now i have written poetry. i found it to be an enjoyable endeavor that i would like to do again

fly o fly
why did you pass me by
am i not reflected in your countless little eyes?
you beat your tiny wings and aim for the sky.
and leave me to wonder why o why
you passed me by.

the cold unknown future.
we sail into the mist.
a brilliant flame we nurture
guides us from the abyss.
our life, our choice.
a map, a script,
ink on papyrus.
when the wind blows,
a sail is hoist.
we choose a crypt,
or choose a voice.

i have become transfixed on my websites outcome, the “perfect” and final version i visualize this site will be. this also is how i view myself. since neither my site nor myself are presently the ideal, perfect version i visualize, i in turn experience disappointment, doubt and depression over my current, present state of existence. slowly i am remembering through wisdom and personal growth that my ideal existence and the perfection of mySelf are not endings to be sought. i remember that all i can do is walk my path, for i can neither stand still nor jump to life’s end. i remember that my actions along this walk of life which reveal, one petal at a time, my ever radiant beauty. thus, in execution the journey of life, blossoming, is itself perfection.

…on deserts and prophets.

Landscapes without place names are disorienting; without categorical forms, awful. We think of heaven and hell as places; cling to the idea of an earthly paradise, even though only in a poetic sense; venerate historical sites; and imagine sacred places in terms of habitats. The colors, architecture, and landscapes of visions do not fit out name categories. This quality astonishes the beholder. In spite of the threat of the unknown he is fascinated, freed momentarily from the name bonds and the web of intellectual and emotional associations signaled by them. He escapes, a traveler in the highest sense, awakened and inspired. He does not return entirely to the old vision or the old words. He has crossed a threshold to that world where silence reigns. He sees more clearly in this world the vividness of color and form, its “meaning,” and the mystical importance of wordlessness and namelessness.

Temple and moutain are the sacred centers for communication of the core of belief. Here the society enfolds and orients the individual with ceremonies incorporating motion, sound, smell, space. Recognition of ineffable otherness has, in contrast, no fixed signals in the confrontation. Silence and emptiness convey divine immanence by their lack of prosaic forms. The desert is the environment of revelation, genetically and physiologically alien, sensorily austere, esthetically abstract, historically inimical. It is always described as boundless and empty, but the human experience there is never merely existential. Its solitude is a not-empty void, a not-quiet silence. Its forms are bold and suggestive. The mind is beset by light and space, the kinesthetic novelty of aridity, high temperature, and wind. The desert sky is encircling, majestic, terrible. In other habitats, the rim of sky above the horizontal is broken or obscured; here, together with the overhead portion, it is infinitely vaster than that of rolling countryside and forest lands. The moon, sun and stars are perceptually exaggerated lower in the sky. Apperent motion in the horizontal plane is always greater. In an unobstucted sky the clouds seem more massive, sometimes grandly reflecting the earth’s curvature on their concave undersides. The angularity of desert landforms imparts a monumental architecture to the clouds as well as to the land.

The constancy of sensory experience in the desert — or in a cave in the desert — is in effect sensory deprivation. This is the saturation of solitude, the ultimate draft of emptiness, needing courage and sanity to face. It brings introversion, contemplation, hallucination. Space and time and silence are metaphors of the eternal and infinite. To the desert go prophets and hermits; through deserts go pilgrims and exiles. Here the leaders of the great religions have sought the therapeutic and spiritual values of retreat, not to escape but to find reality.

and typing that out just made my head light and stomach drop.

i dont want to look at myself. and that is the source of my writers block.

i created this website to free myself, to write what i want, to express myself in anyway i feel. what happened? in the face of freedom i closed my eyes. at the threshold of authenticity i became paralyzed. i can do whatever i want and i choose not to. i am not being honest with myself and with my life.

this type of self-examination provides great canon for future blog posts. if i can be honest with myself than i can help myself become a better person. by using this website i can document the journey. i writing the steps taken, my posts may become valued by those who also afraid of life… and afraid of living.

being authentic is incredible challenging. to clarify, being authentic also means the same as the common phrase “being real.” to be real means being honest, or authentic. for this website to be of value to me ten years from now, i need to be real.

everyday i am constantly looking to provide a service to the world — a purpose for existing. because, frankly, i have no reason to exist. i ask myself “why am i here?” and there is no response. not even an echo. but i am here. i wouldn’t be here if there were not a reason. so, i am missing something. what i am missing is the knowledge for the reason of my existence. wouldn’t it have been great if my parents at a young age told me my purpose is to be a doctor or lawyer? problem solved.

when i go back and read my journal entries from sixth, seventh, and eighth grade i think about what a jackass i was. there is a tremendous amount of immaturity and foolishness in those entries. because of that, i often worry about how this post and entries i have written prior will reflect ten years from now. i don’t think there will be a positive reaction. but thats based on my feelings toward what i wrote and thought in grade school. is that really a comparison worth merit? probably not, but the negative feeling persists regardless.

i just wrote this following message to a friend of mine. i am including it here because it totally reminds me of something my mother would write, predominantly the first section.

we could drink wine and practice calligraphy together while the north wind shakes the vibrant colored leaves clinging to the trees outside our window on a cold, october night.
cheers to you! stay warm.. at heart. for living life with passion keeps your flame lit even in the darkest of night.

not only does it shock me that my mother just spoke through me, but how much that description invokes a tremendous longing in my heart for that scene to come to fruition right this minute, right now with someone who is similar to her, or share it with my mother herself.
family is a very powerful “thing.” by family, i dont mean it to be just inclusive to those who share the same roof as i, but rather to those who share the same blood. you know who you are. thank you for being open allowing us to come together. there may be nothing more special than those moments of our meeting of mind and heart – that acknowledgment of a connection. it is you i wish to drink wine with tonight. but instead i drink alone, pouring wine into cup and blood into blog.

everyday we get a chance to fulfill our dreams. everyday we say to ourselves “it is not possible.”

what does this have to with staring at the screen waiting for some trivial distraction to come along?